by Lisa Black
A
lifetime ago, and only because I liked big buildings with lots of marble, I
majored in political science. It is one of many indications of my
non-suitability for this field that I have never worked on a campaign. Not even
to help a bestie win fifth grade class president.
I
regret that now…I should have done it at least once, to experience the insane
pace, the over-the-top displays of public enthusiasm, the unchecked brawls of
rhetoric. I wonder if it would have sharpened my nearly nonexistent spirit of
competition, or turned me into a permanent recluse. After all, political
campaigns have never been accused of bringing out the best in people, not now,
not ever—as illustration, check out these slogans from U.S. history:
1848
 |
1848 political cartoon,
which I am unable to interpret |
“that
pot-bellied, mutton-headed, cucumber-soled…”
And thus did the editor of the The New York Post, Horace Greeley, refer
to candidate Lewis Cass, running against Zachary Taylor for president. Cass was
okay with slavery, which caused a split in the Democratic party, but Greeley
particularly distrusted Cass’s habit of buying up land whenever and wherever he
could.
No one has ever been able to figure
out what he meant by ‘cucumber-soled,’ though.
1884
“Ma! Ma! Where’s my pa?” - Chant
used by James Blaine supporters to taunt Grover Cleveland, referring to his
illegitimate son
The
mother was a widow, Cleveland was single and fully supported the child, but in
those days none of that mattered. This story would likely have cost Cleveland the
election—had not Blaine’s own skeletons of corruption been such that he once signed
a note to a pal with “Burn this letter!”
1928
“Your vote versus the spectacle of
idleness and ruin.” – anti-Smith campaign slogan
 |
And Al even had a song
written for him! |
Herbert Hoover, a man so stiff and
mechanical that he makes Richard Nixon look like Papa Smurf, nevertheless won
this election against opponent Al Smith. Smith, a gregarious, four-time New
York governor had two major failings: a) though a moderate drinker, he opposed
Prohibition, and b) he was Catholic. Non-Catholics were told their Bibles would
be confiscated. They were also told that a picture of Smith near the newly
completed Holland tunnel showed a passageway leading directly to the Vatican,
underneath the Atlantic Ocean.
If
this astonishing feat of advanced though fictional engineering didn’t strike
fear into voters, Smith could also be accused of—gasp—dancing, and that his
beloved wife was—double gasp—of Irish descent.
Hoover won 40 out of the 48 states
then in the union.
1800
“[John Adams is a] hideous hermaphroditical character which
has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility
of a woman.” – James Callendar, writing at the behest of Thomas Jefferson
And Jefferson and Adams were friends. Well…friends, sometimes
frenemies, sometimes agreeing to disagree over doctrines like the extent of a
central government and whether the French Revolution had gone a wee bit too far
what with the guillotining left and right, but when they both wanted to win the
election, things got nasty in a hurry.
The journalist Callendar, by the
way, wound up getting drunk, falling in a river and drowning…though some say he
was pushed.
These
campaigns have receded far enough into the past that we may just chuckle at the
foibles of long-dead politicians, but like a 1964 magazine declaring that Barry
Goldwater had been declared ‘emotionally unstable’ by over a thousand
psychiatrists, or the 2018 story of a Delaware representative throwing nudist
parties at his fitness center (actually the club existed, but he wasn’t a
member), or the less personal attack by an unhappy Ohio voter who dumped manure
at a party's headquarters in 2017 (and 2012), I’m sure these muddy slings and
arrows were not remotely amusing at the time.
But
take heart—at least no one’s been called a cucumber-soled hermaphroditic in a
while.
Have
you ever worked on a political campaign? Federal? Urban? School board? Farm
bureau? What surprised you the most about it?
Oh, my goodness, I am laughing and crying at the same time, Lisa. What a wonderful post! Such a great chronical of the craziness and nastiness of previous political campaigns. It almost makes today seem rational. You made me feel better, I think... but I do have several cucumbers in the veggie drawer in my refrigerator.... Wait.... I just checked -- no campaign slogans in sight. Whew. My bell peppers and tomatoes are safe! 🙂
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear it!
DeleteEgad! And here I thought 21st century politics was over the top! Thanks for the laugh, Lisa! Made my morning!
ReplyDeleteHappy to help!
DeleteWhat a great summary of campaign craziness -- sure makes today's exchanges almost calm by comparison. Thanks for the laughs this morning!...Karna Bodman
ReplyDeleteLet’s hope that’s as bad as it gets!
DeleteHilarious. When I was a little girl, my mother and one of her best friends, Monk, worked on the Barry Goldwater Campaign. Laura, my best friend and Monk's daughter, and I were nine. One weekend, our mothers decided to have us help them give away daisy's in downtown Evergreen, encouraging voters to back Goldwater. Why daisies, you ask? Who knows. But Laura and I came up with a slogan, and we changed it incessantly. "Goldwater, Goldwater, he's our man. Johnson belongs in the garbage can." I remember it being a very fun day. It made our mother's happy. We were both too young to care about either of the old men in the race, but most people smiled and took the daisies. I've never campaigned for anything since.
ReplyDeleteI know why daisies!! It had to be in response to the infamous ‘daisy ad’, a pro-Johnson, anti-Goldwater spot implying nuclear war.
ReplyDeleteAhhh, it makes sense now.
DeleteLisa this was great. Underwater tunnel to the Vatican! So many inventive ways to lie about another candidate.... Very funny post, thanks!
ReplyDelete